wanna say i’m sorry.
but i’m not.
at the beginning of this year i was fed up and angry. i felt like i hit a block. i felt like everything i tried wasn’t making me happy. i was working like a maniac. i had all the jobs i thought would bring me happiness. i had a lovely apartment that spiraled into a nightmare. i was at a loss.
the only thing that kept me from slipping into darkness was this summer trip to New Mexico.
i started on the spring equinox. the day after the new moon. first day of the zodiac. in the year of my favorite number: fifteen. it was in the planets. after eleven days of travel i ended up in Taos.
one hundred days later, i have to admit i’m not leaving.
its not forever. its just until it runs its course. because if you stick anywhere long enough things get old and tired. and if you’re lucky enough to be an independent spirit (which isn’t for everyone) you can get up and go when you’ve gotten all you can from a place. this isn’t to say that i’ve sucked everything i could gain out of my Massachusetts, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. it was a tricky decision to stay out here, to leave my loves: my family, my friends, my community in worcester that kept me sane. but i know it is only a temporary distance. especially since i’ll be shooting back out there for three weeks at the end of the month. and i’d like to go back once more before 2015 is over.
but my happiness is what makes me stay. i am someone who has suffered with depression and anxiety for almost half my life. to go somewhere and leave that behind is literally a weight off my shoulders. i know it will creep back, maybe sooner, maybe later. that's my dark side. like most artists. but to have it be relieved by an environment is groundbreaking. perhaps it's newness. perhaps i was meant to find this place. regardless it is something i can't let go of.
out here i am given time to make art, explore, exist. i am learning astrology and herbal medicine from a woman who has dedicated her life to it. i am an apprentice. then on top of that i am making art. i got my first serious freelance job, and i have time to dedicate to it. i’m not cramming it in around a 50 hour work week. everything is lining up in a way that makes me feel good about sticking around for a little longer.
so let the journey continue, and we shall see where it does.